Has something ever been so much a part of your identity that even though you know it’s time to let it go, it takes so long and so much effort to do so?
For the last eight years the phrase, “I’m working on my photography business,” has always been a part of my response to the questions: “How’s work?” or “Where do you work?”
The constant state of “working on my business” has been so much a part of who I am and what I do that when I felt very serious and compelling nudges to let my business go, that I couldn’t. One week I changed my Instagram name, switched back to a personal account, decided to be done with business ownership, and felt the peace of letting go before I, a few days later, decided I couldn’t let go, changed everything back, and publically announced that I “almost quit” but had decided to stay. I stayed because “who else would take care of my potential clients the way that I want to” and “I could just do this casually and not with the focus to go full time” and “my calling to tell stories is more important than my peace.”
But by holding on, I was forfeiting more than just my peace. I was letting go of my mental health, my mental capacity to do my day job (that I really like!) fully and well, my ability to show up in my relationships, my income that I would pour into “business expenses,” and my energy to care for my husband and home.
A few months ago I started to evaluate why “working on my business” and not feeling like I was successful in owning a business has been a part of my identity for so long. At first, I chalked it up to not having enough time. I quickly realized that was a lie, because eight years is a lot of time, and even if I only accomplished one thing each month, I would have completed nearly 100 things. And then I told myself that I continued to work on my business because I dreamed of a job that gave me flexible hours, the ability to work from home, and was creative work. Again, more lies, because I had recently entered into a new position as marketing director for the school I worked at.
Turns out, I don’t exactly know why I let “working on my business” and not feeling successful or good enough be so much a part of who I am for the last eight years. Maybe it’s because I’m stubborn and I wanted to do what I said I was going to do, proving that dropping out of school to pursue photography was not wrong. Maybe it’s because I wanted to have control over what I would be working at for the foreseeable and distant future. What I do know, is that holding on to the “I own a photography business” part of myself was placing a heavy burden on my mind and heart (and would do nothing good for my finances). And it was that burden that was keeping me from giving time to work on my business.
When I announced that I “almost quit,” all of the peace, lightness, and clarity that I experienced in those few days of quitting were gone- and I missed those feelings. I went through my reasons for not quitting, acknowledging that there are plenty of wonderful photographers that respect and honor people like I would want to, that I can’t casually own a business without feeling overwhelmed and not enough, and that my peace is not worth sacrificing. I also, for the first time, settled in on the truth that I could let this go right now, but still come back to it later because I didn’t need to know what my job would be for the rest of my life.
So much of what I wanted to do for my clients was to help them accept who they are, to see their life’s story as valuable, and to know that they are enough. In the end, I got so caught up in “making it,” that I was not expecting those same things for myself. I settled for not accepting that I couldn’t own a business right now, for not seeing my life outside of owning a business as valuable, and for constantly feeling that I wasn’t enough.
Friends, while it is so hard for me to remove “working on my photography business” from my vocabulary and identity, it is so deeply rewarding to allow myself to no longer feel like a failure, to lay down a heavy burden, and to feel like I am enough.
For now, I’m thrilled to be able to fully lean into my work at the school, giving it all of my mental capacity and energy that it deserves (especially as we are embarking on such an exciting year!). I’m excited to fill my time outside of my work with sewing, journaling, reading, and to focus on photographing our life. And I’m also looking forward to sharing many of the things that I learned through my many years of “working on my business,” such as: telling your story through images, self-acceptance, the inseparable relationship of gratitude and joy, and finding beauty in the raw, unaltered, and simple moments of our lives.
I’m not sure if I will open for business again, but I know that letting go is the right thing to do. And, like my husband always reminds me: if you really love something, let it go; if it comes back, it’s meant to be.
ps- the image at the top of this post is one of my favorites from a season where I intentionally photographed our life. I’m looking forward to having the mental energy and freedom to do that again.